Angst
by Emporess
Summary: Rei Hino Angst about her love life, or lack thereof.


This story takes place somewhere during the Senshi's highschool  
years. It should be ok for anyone to read, just bring kleenex. ^^  
  
Sailor Moon ain't mine.  
  
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Angst  
By: Emporess  
  
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The room the dark-haired miko sat in was stiffling hot.   
Before her flames crackled, heat expanding to coat the walls. The   
young woman seemed not to notice, though sweatbeads were developing  
on her face. The level she was concentrating at caused a crease  
to develop in her forehead.   
"Rin; Hyou; Tou; Sha; Kain; Chin; Retsu; Zai; Zen!" she ended   
her hand gestures with the last phrases. Violet eyes opened to take  
in the fire. Her shoulders fell in dissapointment. "Nothing." She  
whispered in disbelief. Tears welled up before she brought her hands  
to her head.  
Because of this she missed the picture that flashed for a   
moment. A woman with beautiful blonde hair tied up in pigtails.  
She held the most benevolent smile.  
  
The rake made little scraping noises as it cut through the  
leaves. The young apprentice leaned on the handle and wiped his  
bangs back from his normally hidden green eyes. It seemed no  
matter how many leaves he raked, still more would fall. A  
losing battle to be sure, but try telling the old Oji-san  
that.  
One of the paper screens opened, and a beautiful vision  
stepped out. Long raven strands cascaded down her back, and  
he was pleased to note she'd changed from the bulky shrine robes  
to a red knit dress. Every enticing curve of her body was on  
display. The detached look that had enchanted him from the   
moment he saw her was on her face. "Rei-chan." Yuchirou   
uttered with reverance.  
Despite all the years of watching her, he never tired of  
her graceful movments, the gentle way she tended the shrine. He  
raised a hand in greeting as she looked his way. Their gazes  
locked.  
Oh, how he loved to look in her eyes, drown in those   
amethyst pools. Whether they be heated in anger or those rare  
moments of affection she'd shown him, they were always   
hypnotizing in their intensity.  
Except now, when they were red and puffy from crying.  
"Rei-san?" he asked with concern.  
Yuchirou expected her to turn away, shake her head, maybe  
yell and say she was fine. Although he didn't catch her upset  
often, when he did those were her normal reactions. She always  
walled herself off, afraid to let anyone in. It made him sad to  
see her upset. He'd give anything to comfort her, to share her  
burdons whatever they were. Too often he knew he got nervous   
around her, acting clumsy or subsurvient. He was just in awe  
of her, of the simple joy she could bring him by her mere   
persence. Even after all the years he'd been there, she was  
still a mystery.  
However, she did none of the above.  
Rei came forward a few steps, till she was standing at  
arms length of him. "Am I pretty, Yuchirou?" she asked in a  
low voice. "I mean would someone find me-" a faint blush  
colored her cheeks. "attractive?"  
Dumbfounded he stared at her. Stared at her high   
cheekbones. The porcelin skin. The luscious lips that  
he had felt on his cheeks only a few times, though he  
dreamed of them often. The question she posed seemed  
so obvious to him. "Pretty?" he repeated incrediously.  
Even as the words left his mouth he knew he had  
made a mistake. Her face began to crumble. Shudders  
began as she shook all over. The tears came back. "I  
knew it." So strained, those words. Not anything like  
her usual voice.  
"Rei-san..." he began, reaching a hand out to her,  
trying to muster the courage to tell her the things he  
should have said before.  
To his surprize her hand shot out. Her shove sent  
him off his feet, sprawling to the floor. "Baka!" she  
hissed between clenched teeth as she glared down at him.  
"Baka! BAKA!"  
"Rei-san, wait!" he cried, but it was too late. She  
had already turned and ran off, not even bothering to look  
back at him.  
He watched her retreating form as the melancoly he   
always had with Rei settled over him. The piles of leaves  
that he had raked were now scattered from where she had  
pushed him. "Baka." he berated himself. "Baka."  
  
Rei ran, her glossy locks trailing behind her like  
threads of night. She didn't care where she went, didn't  
care what happened to her. What did it matter if she ran  
blindly across a street, narrowly missing a car? Who  
cared if she was only in her sandles, if her feet started  
to hurt. No one. No one cared. And no one ever would.  
She fell against a tree, breathing heavily. Angirly  
she wiped away at her tears, bitter tears that wouldn't   
stop falling. This wasn't the way she usually handled   
things. She wasn't used to losing control like this. 'Get  
a hold of youself,' she commanded.   
But she couldn't. Not after what she'd seen. "Nothing,"  
she whispered aloud again. How she wished she'd never thought  
of looking in the fire, never asked her questions. Atleast  
before that she'd had hope for the future to cling to.   
She'd been feeling so lonely, so sad lately. Her friends  
were happy, all going to the same school, getting to see  
eachother in their classes. They still hung out with her of  
course, still met at the shrine after school to talk and giggle.  
But their conversation usually focused on their school gossip,  
who liked who, what this boy said, which ones they liked. Rei  
was still at her Catholic High School, so unavoidably she felt  
a little left out. Before atleast Minako had been at anouther  
school, too. Now they were all together. Except her.  
Sometimes one of the girl's would notice her confusion to  
their statement and they'd smile apologetically. "Sorry, Rei-chan.  
I forgot you didn't know."   
That was ok. She was easy to forget. Or so it seemed.  
She shook her head. No use dwelling on thoughts of him.  
Doesn't do any good to think of black hair, or eyes like the  
ocean, or the half smile that would just barely turn up at  
the corner of his lips when he was amused. No reason to remeber  
that musky scent, cinnamon vapors that would fill her nostrils  
when she clapsed her fingers around his arm, pressed her face  
into his jacket.  
Sighing she stared at her nails, the clean manicured   
fingertips. No, she wasn't sorry he was gone. He hadn't ever  
loved her as she'd wanted, as he loved her friend. What had  
he said so many months later? When he'd stared just as she  
was doing at her fingers on the table.  
"Gomen, Rei-chan." Smokey voice, the kind to send shivers  
up and down your spine. "Gomen." Such a feirce look when he   
met her gaze. Empathetic. Understanding and regret. "I hope  
I never hurt you. I hope I didn't-" Faltering, not sure of  
the words. Always he choose his words carefully. Hazy memories  
of her, but so vague. Wondering how close they had been.  
"Its all right, Mamoru-san." Calm and smooth, her shrine   
voice, the one she used to speak to the visitors at the shrine.  
"I've remebered all this for a long time, and its nothing. It  
was just a crush afterall. I got over that a long time ago."   
She smiled, that kind smile, the one to disarm the nervous  
ones who felt awkward around a miko.  
"Thank you." The quirky grin, the one he rarely gave when  
his odango atama wasn't around. How she had tried to make him   
look like that when they were together. She had treasured each  
one of those little victories, each tiny crack in his cold facade.  
She'd felt like a chisler working on a block of ice, eventually  
working to free the person trapped inside. But she hadn't.  
A blonde with hair of golden sunshine, of brilliant soul  
had. And Rei's efforts meant nothing. It was ok, yes, it was  
fine. Their love burned so bright it could scortch you if you  
got too close. Her affection for them both made it much easier  
to step aside.   
How strange it had been to feel his hand around hers as  
he gently lifted the nails closer to examine them. The grin,  
oh the grin was still there. It always resembled something  
predatory to her, hunger. Maybe she read desire where there  
was none. Maybe not. "Their so clean." He said.  
"Nani?" She asked, relieved her voice didn't tremor.  
"Your fingernails." Averting his attention back to her.  
"Usa-ko could never have fingernails like this." Full magnetism  
washing over her. "Elegant."  
"Hai." Low murmur, unable to shift her eyes from his.  
"Like night and day," he chuckled softly, seductive sound  
to Rei's ears. Strong hands releasing her own. Stock still she  
watched him tilt his head towards hers, so his face hovered  
mere centimeters away. "Arigato. For whatever we had." And a   
gentle preassure as his lips grazed her cheek. Then the silent  
retreat as he'd left.  
Diplomatic, sensitive man. How good to know she meant   
something, even if he couldn't remeber what. And how hard he  
made it to forget him. Not fair that he got the selective   
memory. Though it was nice to have something to treasure now  
and then. A blessing and a curse in one. Hai, she was happy for   
her friends. She just needed someone else's moments to treasure.   
Someone else who was hers alone.  
The nails she had been examining dug into her hand, as  
she tightened into a fist. Faintest lines of blood trailing   
from the gourges. Remebering the fire's responce to her  
question. Cruel indifferance of the kamis, or the only answer  
that could be given? She wasn't sure.  
Oji-chan's teachings came back to her, those first  
steps in her training. "When we seek divination, we must be  
sure it is true knowledge we desire. Sometimes the truth is  
not what we wish to see." She hadn't understood the full  
meaning of these words until now. Until she'd asked the  
fire the question that burned in her, raged as the fire  
raged.  
"Who is my soulmate? Who is the one I'm destined  
to love?"  
Silence, blankness, no revelations, no divine wisdom. Had  
her only love been Jedite, the dark kingdom general who had  
surely died in the destruction of D-point if not sooner? Was  
that the last chance she had had of happiness? Is that why the  
fire gave no answer?  
"Nothing." She mumured again, as if her constant repeating  
would somehow make it easier to accept. "Alone. Forever." Indeed  
it would be forever, since she knew she was slated to live over  
a millenia.   
With that thought she finally lost it. Sobs shook her like  
they hadn't in years, not since she was a small girl. Even Usagi's  
death on the asteroid, which had torn her to peices didn't make  
her feel like this. She didn't feel worse, just utterly worthless,  
like a failed human being. What made her so different that no one  
could love her? Wretched the gasps of breath she took in between  
her cries, which bordered on hysterical. Drowning, she was drowning  
in her self-pity, her misery. Realizing that only made her feel worse.  
"Rei-chan?" asked a gentle voice, concern and warmth dripping  
off the words. Tiny hands touching her shoulders, gently pulling  
her into a sitting position on the grass. Such a caring touch,  
the fingers sliding over her cheeks to wipe the tears away.   
"Usagi?" Rei murmured surprized. The lightest of blue   
skies shone from her eyelids, her skin what she'd refer to as  
peaches and cream. Such a little pink rosebud mouth, set in  
a frown as she took in her dark-haired friend. "How did you  
find me here?"  
Oh how beautiful to see the dimples turn up, the   
beginings of a smile come on to the blonde's face. "I knew  
you wanted to see me." So easily she said this, as if it  
had always been so, nothing extroidanary about the telepathic  
bond she and her fellow Senshi shared. "I noticed how sad you've   
been all week. You didn't talk at all. We've all been so worried."  
Smiling she pulled the other girl to her feet. "Come on. Everyone  
is at Mako-chan's apartment. Their waiting for you. We have a  
huge dinner to eat!" Usagi's little tongue darted out as she   
licked her lips with anticipation. Rei couldn't stop the giggles  
that escaped as her friend started to drag her forward.  
"Usagi?" Rei asked suddenly, halting their steps.  
"Hai?" Usagi turned to meet her, the little skirt she  
was wearing flaring out from her legs. Such long legs for  
one so short, covered to the thigh in stockings.   
The shrine maiden reached out and took her hand,   
turning it over so she could gaze at it. Her own fingers  
were spread over it as well, making it even easier to compare  
the differances. Usagi's nails were stubby, a little bit of  
old nail polish still visible on some of them. Underneath them  
there was a little bit of dirt, just a smidgen of dark color.  
But a stark contrast to the high glossy shine of her own.  
"Thank you, Usagi." How she loved to say her name, the intimacy  
they shared was almost like a healing balm on her heart.  
All grins again, the blonde pulling her into an embrace,  
chest against chest, Rei melting into her. She watched her  
dark strands meet Usagi's light ones, reminded of Mamoru's  
musings. 'Like night and day' echoed back and forth in her  
head. "Daijobu, Rei-chan. Whatever it is I'm sure we can help  
you. I can help you."  
Rei returned the loving gaze the other girl sent. "Hai."  
They began their walk, Usagi chattering about what they had done  
all day, what the plans were for the night. Rei nodded and   
listened contentedly. For Usagi didn't have to worry about helping  
Rei.  
She already had.  
  
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This story was written nearly a year ago, and was supposed to be  
a co-authored story with anouther author. What you've just read  
is the origional I wrote before handing over to the co-author to  
finish it. After writing it, I always regretted having to turn  
it over for I thought it was complete this way. In the second   
story, Rei goes to Yucchirou, which I've never liked doing in  
a story (and personally goes against my view of Rei and Usagi ^^).  
So I'm posting this as the completed story. If it did get  
posted in the other form (which I doubt), then just look at  
this as a revision, ne? ^^  
Oh and to anyone who reads my other story 'Fall From Grace' and  
is wondering why I haven't posted since March... I've been busy? ^^  
I haven't forgotten about it. I'll get Chapter 7 done sooner or  
later. You can always go read 'When Plutos Attacks' to tide  
you over. Its a shame its published under Scott Summerton's  
name first, I'm so much more important ^_^v  
  
Questions? Comments? Arrows?  
  
Angst88@aol.com  
http://www.geocities.com/emporess888  
  
-Age and treachory will always overcome youth and skill.  
  
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